A humorous look at the life of Fred Thompson

Every once in a while I'll be featuring outtakes of things I submit for publication. Here's the lastest I submitted for a humor publication: a light-hearted look at the life of GOP Presidential Candidate Fred D. Thompson:

Fred Thompson Biography

By Richard Zowie

Whenever I think of the presidential candidacy of Republican Senator Fred Dalton Thompson, my mind is filled with very insignificant thoughts: how can a New York City District Attorney speak with a strong southern drawl? Furthermore, will Hail to the Chief be changed to sound like Law and Order theme?

Thompson’s acting career began when he was injured in a high school football game; he asked the trainers, “How’s the crowd taking it?” When told that the crowd was too busy heading to the concession stand to notice, Thompson showed his natural acting ability by promptly screaming in agony. The entire crowd then carried Thompson on their shoulders to the hospital, and an actor was born.

Thompson earned a law degree from Vanderbilt University in 1967, learning the value of hard work and speaking with a southern accent. Southern Gentleman, good; Cold Washington Insider, bad.

FDT’s life was forever changed when he read Senator Barry Goldwater’s book The Conscience of a Conservative; he went on to start a Young Republican Club and earned a seat on a Republican Executive Committee. In 1968, Thompson met California Governor Ronald Reagan. Thompson admired Reagan’s leadership, dignity, sense of humor and how he always made time for the little people, such as 5’3” Mickey Rooney.

Thompson later became an assistant United States attorney in Nashville in 1969, where he was a tough prosecutor who put away scumbags and—oops—the occasional innocent victim. Thompson served eight years as a United States Senator.

Thompson has two sons by his first wife and a daughter and son by his second wife, whom he married in 2002.

In the meantime, Thompson has kept himself busy by doing radio commentaries, filming ads encouraging Michael Moore to defect to Cuba and calling up Law and Order alumni like Mariska Hargitay and Ice T and asking if they’ll endorse him.